r/NoStupidQuestions • u/Altruistic_Good_9053 • Mar 22 '23
Are women scared of men in elevators? Unanswered
Recently I entered an elevator at 1 am, there was already a woman in the elevator, she didn't look happy about me entering the elevator and looked at me throughout the entire time, for reference I'm 6'4. Perhaps she was afraid of me. Is that common
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u/Watchingya Mar 22 '23 edited Mar 23 '23
I'm a big fella, so I rarely feel worried walking around. But once I was in Vegas with a buddy and a few guys were walking behind us for a while. It was 2am, August and hot as fuck. These guys were wearing large jackets and kept reaching inside them. My buddy was oblivious, but I stopped us right infront of a security camera, and just chatted. The guys following us kept coming, but out of the corner of my eye I saw one look up at the camera, say something to his friends and the left the way they came. My butthole was puckered pretty good. I feel bad that the ladies have to feel like this so often.
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u/sansjoy Mar 22 '23
nice situational awareness. And was it "old" downtown Vegas, which is sketchy even during the day?
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u/Watchingya Mar 23 '23
Yep
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u/jgworks Mar 23 '23
You should get a duster to match your ocular pat down skills.
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u/Watchingya Mar 23 '23
I would, but my friend and I would start fighting over who gets to wear it.
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u/Stinkkaese Mar 23 '23
No wonder. It's longer, thicker and far more badass than a Jacket!
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u/bloodycups Mar 23 '23
One time in Amsterdam I was extremely high and made my friends take a tour lead by a homeless person. I passed out a whole pack of cigarettes to them and we had quite the crowd following us in the back alleys. Nothing came about from it but it's one of those stories they like to tell and exaggerate about how I almost got our group hostel'd
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u/AdequatlyAdequate Mar 23 '23
I feel like handing out those cigarettes if anything helped you out in that sketchy situation
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u/NitroWing1500 Mar 23 '23
I had, basically, the complete opposite walking through Manchester at 2am on a Saturday after the bars closed.
3 men were walking in front of me, looking behind them at me - checking me out.
As we came to a junction on the road with a high hedge, they all went around it. Vanished from my view. I went on HIGH ALERT and walked closer to the edge of the pavement to give myself an extra bit of distance.
As I got to the corner, I saw one of them tucked in close to the hedge and thought 'Here we go...' so I leapt at him screaming 'Come on then!'. His 2 mates were about 5 yards away and fled while he nearly pissed all down his own pants as he tried to put his dick away.
Ummm.... my bad :/
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u/Ranchette_Geezer Mar 22 '23 edited Mar 22 '23
They are cautious. My wife went to college in the early 1970s. A couple of the male professors there were so notorious for groping women students that if they got on an elevator, the women would get out.
Edit: Typo, added a phrase for clarity.
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u/Sad_Butterscotch9057 Mar 22 '23
This is how my dumbass brother lost his tenure, more or less: not literally the elevator. Fucking scumbag moron.
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u/JayR_97 Mar 22 '23
Ill never understand why people throw away their careers over shit like this.
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u/AelixD Mar 23 '23 edited Mar 23 '23
About 12 years ago when I was in the Navy, we had this Master Chief that retired then got a civilian job working in the same building (pretty common thing there) and when he saw one of our women sailors that had been working with him while active, he grabbed her butt and said “I’ve been waiting to retire so I can get away with doing that!”
At first I thought, “What an idiot way to lose an easy job.”
But wait, there’s more…
The command reactivated him (made him active duty again), and sent him to courts martial, where he was busted in rank and given a dishonorable discharge (bye-bye military retirement pay - probably $50k/year at his rank). And all of this got resolved in about 2 months, because the military doesn’t deal with all the delays and appeals and stuff civilian courts do.
All for a 2 second butt grab he’d been fantasizing about.
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u/314rft Mar 23 '23
So he specifically wanted to grope her without her permission? What did he hope to achieve doing that? Both a creep and an idiot.
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u/LizardsInTheSky Mar 23 '23
There's really no way to say this without coming across as bragging about the bare minimum but no matter how hard I try, I really can't empathize with sexual harassment/assault the way I can with stuff like theft or assault. What do they get out of it?
Stole $100? Dick move, but if you don't give a shit about the victim, that's free money.
Punch a guy who crossed a line with a joke? Short-sighted, but hey, who hasn't thought about it in the right circumstances?
But even purely selfishly, all the sexiness in my mind of touching someone rests on "Oh shit this hot lady wants me to touch her ass? Hell yeah." I literally just can't imagine a scenario where someone's fear or disgust at me isn't an instant turn-off.
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u/Much-Meringue-7467 Mar 23 '23
Well, there's your problem. You think other people exist.
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u/LizardsInTheSky Mar 23 '23
I guess yeah, that's the best explanation I can think of. It's just really hard to actually imagine viewing women as NPCs-- there for my own aesthetic pleasure, no thoughts or feelings, just the appearance of it.
It's bonkers people make it well into and beyond adulthood having a straight up sociopathic attitude toward 50% of the population.
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u/McEstablishment Mar 23 '23
They probably have a sociopathic attitude toward the male half too. It is just less obvious.
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u/OmegaLiquidX Mar 23 '23
I literally just can't imagine a scenario where someone's fear or disgust at me isn't an instant turn-off.
Because what they get off on is the power they hold over the person.
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u/slow_____burn Mar 23 '23 edited Mar 23 '23
I think for many guys like this, a lot of the appeal is the thrill of "getting away with" something naughty that "everyone secretly wants to do." To them it's less of an act of dominance and more of a fun little adventure. In the Harry Potter books, the main characters have a ton of fun sneaking out at night and evading the grouchy janitor who loves getting kids in trouble.
In a way, these guys think of women as annoying authority figures like the crotchety janitor: the whole "bodily autonomy" conversation is boring, puritanical, and lame, and the concerns of women are just arbitrary "rules" that exist to make everyone stay in line. In this headspace, women and girls are the enemy of lighthearted fun.
Think of how often this narrative plays out in non-sexual contexts, too: anxious, teachers-pet, uptight characters who exist to be the voice of "following the rules" are usually girls or effeminate-coded boys, telling the adventurous male characters that they shouldn't doing the thing that advances the plot or else they'll get in trouble! Lisa Simpson & Milhouse, Hermione & Neville from Harry Potter, Skylar from Breaking Bad...
Under this mindset, groping a female coworker doesn't occur to him as a violation of her consent, because her needs don't really figure into this at all. He's just being a boy, engaging in act of playful rebellion. It's no big deal—why are you getting your panties in a twist?
edit: to be clear, I am not excusing this behavior whatsoever, just explaining the mindset of some men who behave like this.
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u/Hot_Reflection2855 Mar 23 '23
That story’s so good to hear cuz I’ve heard too many horrifying stories from women who suffered brutal abuse in the military for which no one was ever held accountable. restores my faith just a little
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u/Spicavierge Mar 22 '23
They feel the world is owed to them in any way they wish and are astounded when they find out that this is not the case. In short, stupid is as stupid does, and intelligent does not equal smart.
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Mar 22 '23
Also formal degrees =/= intelligent. Some of the biggest morons I've ever met in my life were PhDs.
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u/Kruse002 Mar 22 '23
They invested all their talent points into one skill tree and nowhere else.
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u/ProudReptile Mar 23 '23
Part of growing up was realizing I’m not a genius. I never failed because I never got out of my lane. I’ve gone and failed at many things now.
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u/JayR_97 Mar 22 '23
Its tunnel vision. They're an expert in their particular field, but outside of that they're completely clueless
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u/PlentyOfChoices Mar 23 '23
This thread is so weird. Most PhDs, researchers, and experts in their field are otherwise fairly normal people. They’re generally smart and super passionate about what they study. Where is all this insecurity and generalization of all of academia coming from?
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u/Sugars_world Mar 23 '23 edited Mar 23 '23
Yep. I interviewed with a scientific group working side-by-side with one of the most prestigious universities in the country. All PhD's and "national experts in their field" and so on. I was warned most of the department was, "known to pitch fits when they didn't get what they want", and I was asked how I would handle that. Later I was asked by HR how I felt about sexual harassment. When I got to my interview with the head boss, he put his hand on my knee half way through our conversation. Brilliant.
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u/Chundlebug Mar 23 '23
I have a PhD. I’m dumb as fuck. (Never groped a student, tho.)
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u/river4823 Mar 23 '23
They don’t think they’re throwing away their careers. They dismiss it as “not a big deal” and think everyone else will too. They’re often surrounded by enablers who will ignore the victims’ complaints and let them keep assaulting people.
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u/a_lonely_trash_bag Mar 22 '23
One of my former high school teachers was charged yesterday with six different charges related to having sex with a student. I'm surprised it took this long, really. I graduated in 2014, and everybody knew he was fucking students back then.
The kicker? After a former student told the police about their relationship in high school, the police questioned the teacher. He denied everything, but then immediately sent another dick pic to the former student.
A couple other former students have come forward and said he groomed them, too.
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u/DrDetectiveEsq Mar 23 '23
I'd like to imagine the police were still standing there when he took the picture.
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u/StuckInNov1999 Mar 23 '23
Plot twist: He sent a pic of one of the cops dicks.
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u/GodspeedandGoodnight Mar 23 '23
He denied everything, but then immediately sent another dick pic to the former student.
That's not even an unearned sense of entitlement, that's just incredibly braindead self-sabotaging behavior. They just reported your ass you think they're not going to do it again?
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Mar 23 '23
Had a guy like that at my workplace. Literally did the exact thing he was reprimanded for doing like a few hours before, then was shocked when he had a meeting with our HR guy.
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u/The_T113 Mar 22 '23
I'm glad he did.
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u/Sad_Butterscotch9057 Mar 22 '23
Me too! Haven't talked to that shithead for a decade.
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u/Danimeh Mar 23 '23
One of the saddest conversations I’ve ever had was with a women in her 60s who was talking about how the #metoo movement was maybe going too far. She said ‘when I was at University you just knew you didn’t get into lifts with certain professors’
It was kind of heartbreaking.
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u/P2X-555 Mar 22 '23
We had a chief executive of our organisation which did the same thing in the 1980s. The creep.
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u/Who_DaFuc_Asked
Mar 22 '23
•
From my experience, the best way to avoid unintentionally scaring a lone woman in an elevator or small closed-off space is to just fuck around on my phone while only "half-paying attention" to my surroundings.
They usually relax after noticing that I have no interest in them and would rather be glued to my phone (for at most few minutes) to minimize face-to-face interaction. It also helps to have a relaxed, "mellow" bodily posture (if you're standing up all stuff and robot-like it looks creepy).
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u/Ok-Football8410 Mar 23 '23
i have found my nerves are calmed extra quickly when the person in the elevator is playing a game on their phone with the music all the way up. one dude was playing a word hunt game and i was wayyyy more impressed by how fast he was matching words than i was anxious at all😂
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Mar 23 '23
I’ll keep this in mind if this ever happens to me. I’ll whip out mobile RuneScape and the lady will feel safe AND be enamored with my mining skills.
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u/OverlordPhalanx Mar 23 '23
That is how I get girls.
I show my max account levels on my OSRS mobile account and they often get off the elevator with me after that.
I’m just kidding, I don’t get girls and my account is very casual (highest skilled are between 70-80, many are still at level 1 lol)
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u/CactiRabbit Mar 23 '23
The guy I shared an elevator with really made me feel at ease when I watched him swipe on instagram and his feed was mostly wiener dogs.
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u/OmegaLiquidX Mar 23 '23
his feed was mostly wiener dogs.
The only unsolicited wiener pics you want to receive!
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u/Stark_Always Mar 23 '23
Haha lol. I don't play games but I browse reddit and comment on something just for the same reason. Most of my comments are when I was in a lift.
(Not this one XD)
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u/ArtIsDumb Mar 23 '23
Just curious - how would you have approached this in the days before cellphones?
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u/DefinitelyNotACad Mar 23 '23
Take a newspaper and poke two holes in them so you can see where you're walking while pretending to read.
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u/Jaisdreval Mar 23 '23
If it's all the way up I'll be irritated with how loud it is. At least that's more annoying than scary tho!
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u/edwardbobbert Mar 22 '23 •
I just look them square in the face and say "Sarah Connah."
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u/laggyx400 Mar 22 '23
And here I've been telling them I need their clothes, their boots, and their motorcycle.
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u/ColeAppreciationV2 Mar 22 '23
I’d prefer to turn into liquid metal and just phase through the elevator door to avoid an awkward situation.
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u/Grahhhhhhhh Mar 22 '23
Yes…. Glued to my phone to make women feel safe… not because I’m addicted to my phone…
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u/bewarethetreebadger Mar 22 '23
Yes I’ve also noticed messing with your phone has that effect.
I didn’t grow up in the city so it didn’t really come up. But when I was in college I was walking home at night and a woman walking toward me crossed the street when she saw me.
At first I thought What? I’m not going to attack you. But after a few minutes of thinking about it I came to the understanding that I’m six foot, 200lbs. I have legs like like tree trunks. She doesn’t know me and she has to look out for herself. So it didn’t bother me after that.
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u/Ok-Till-5285 Mar 23 '23 •
Exactly!!! and we KNOW most men won't hurt us, but we don't know if the one coming towards us will! And chances are we will not be the victor in any altercation. Thank you for recognizing what we do to keep ourselves safe and not being offended 💗
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u/IAbstainFromSociety Mar 23 '23
A good analogy: I know that when I'm walking, most drivers aren't going to crash into me on crosswalks. I still have to watch out for them, as an unlucky encounter with someone who's not looking could claim my life, which almost happened after someone made an illegal turn while I had the walking signal. Came inches from hitting me.
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u/Affectionate_Fox9974 Mar 23 '23
And although we know it’s not all men, we’ve all had personal experiences from the time we were too young to really understand that have proven to us although it’s not all men, or even most men - it’s enough that we’ve had multiple uncomfortable and scary experiences.
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u/RiriTomoron Mar 23 '23
it’s enough that we’ve had multiple uncomfortable and scary experiences.
I cannot stress this enough. We've had these experiences. Not random other women. We. The chances are that most women you know have actually had this happen to them. If anyone doesn't believe me, go and ask them.
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u/SemiSentientGarbage Mar 23 '23 edited Mar 23 '23
It took me a long time to stop internalising it as a problem with me. But instead of a problem of society as a whole. It got to the point that I'd straight up do everything I could to avoid being alone with a woman I didn't know be it walking down the same street or in an elevator.
A quote got me to understand. Not word for word but if you got 10 snakes coming at you and you know statistically one could very well be deadly and aggressive would you trust in the stats or simply remove yourself from the situation?
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u/orangesine Mar 23 '23
My go to life hack is to say, "good evening" with a polite nod.
It's really wild how well this works. There are a few other scenarios where talking to women like humans has worked really well for me also.
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u/dikicker Mar 23 '23
Same genre different song for me; the second I see I may be sharing an elevator with a woman alone, me as a 6'1" 200lb man I immediately pull out my phone, start browsing Reddit or texting my gf, leaning into whatever corner is furthest away from their exit, and if the ride is more than literally one storey "the weather, am I right?" Then right back to my phone
Hasn't failed yet! Night classes in an empty parking garage at uni, I'd literally just have pretended a phone call in/around my car from my gf until the lady had made her way to/from her own car
There are heaps of creeps out there but there are also looooaaads of respectful dudes who think about things similarly to women on their own knowing about the creeps and ready to hop in if they rear their little shitty incel heads
It's fucking terrible that anyone has to think like this on a consistent basis
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u/Fun-Highway-6179 Mar 23 '23 •
I appreciate your attention to staying as far from her closest exist as possible. That’s probably the best idea I’ve seen in any of these posts.
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u/Autoskp Mar 23 '23
I've come to the conclusion that if I ever have to take a statement from a woman (a scenario dependant on a: there not being a female officer I can give the job to, and b: me getting into law inforcement) I will absolutely be making sure that, as much as possible, I avoid even vaguely appearing to restrict their exit.
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u/Fun-Highway-6179 Mar 23 '23
It would be lovely if you did. It is a tactic commonly employed by LEOs against women in order to make them feel uneasy and apparently more truthful. But many would say just about anything to appease and escape a person who is busy triggering their PTSD and making them feel unsafe.
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u/madness_of_the_cubes Mar 23 '23
If I've been drinking until the wee hours of the morning I try to give the peppiest "good morning!" I can muster. I'm not a drunk stumbling home at 2 am, I just woke up and I'm headed to work!
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u/ChemicalRain5513 Mar 22 '23
I just walk into the corner, keep standing while intensely staring at the corner that's 20 cm in front of my face. Then when the elevator reaches my floor I walk out backwards.
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u/Lorenzo_BR Mar 23 '23
I unironically like to stand nose to door, single digit centimetres away, sometimes, lol
Mostly to frighten someone thoe who are waiting for the elevator but don’t wait for people in it to leave… hasn’t happened yet, but it’s funny to me lol
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u/Sugars_world Mar 23 '23
The concerns are legitimate. Our public transit systems had to rip out all the elevators and replace them with completely clear glass ones in all the stations because so many people were being attacked before that.
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u/Stuffthatpig Mar 23 '23
I've wondered why many transit elevators are glass. That makes a lot of sense.
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u/theMstates Mar 23 '23
I always thought the glass elevators in parking garages were a fun touch: "Look out and set the city while you ride the elevator!" but now I will see them a different way. Life got a little sadder for me today.
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u/Skrillamane Mar 22 '23
I do the same but also make sure that i don’t even have it facing her like i’m taking pictures or something i just have it pointed directly at the ground. Also open view so that she can see the screen too.
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u/Markys420 Mar 22 '23
Pull out your phone and start playing clash Royale with sound on. It will immediately relieve any tension in the situation.
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u/MyFinalThoughts Mar 22 '23
To be honest, I'm a guy and I just hate being in an elevator with anyone I don't know ever. Even another guy I'm uncomfortable. I will be walking toward the elevator in my complex but if I hear other footsteps hearing the elevator I will turn around or walk to the nearest stairs, whichever is closer. I'm not socially anxious or anything, not claustrophobic, or anything of the like. Just hate being in an elevator with someone I don't know.
To actually answer your question, probably yes they are. If I was 5'5" or so and some tall guy at 1am came into the elevator with me, I'd honestly probably get out and pretend to walk towards wherever I came from like I forgot something.
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u/aloe_vera918 Mar 22 '23 edited Mar 22 '23
I'm not worried about sharing an elevator. I'm much more worried that they're going to follow me after I get off the elevator.
ETA: Holy jumpin'. Didn't expect this much reaction to my comment. Thanks y'all. I'm trying to read the replies!
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u/_clap_ Mar 22 '23
I travel a lot for work. Occasionally, I'll get into an elevator with a woman, and sometimes we'll be on the same floor.
I normally allow people through doors, any door really, before I go through. Meeting rooms, "After you", building entrance, "Please, allow me to get the door", same bathroom stall, "My pleasure", you get the idea.
The only time I go first is exiting the elevator. If we're on the same floor, that's not me following you, you're following me. If we make the same turn down the hallway, that's on you, stop looking at my butt. If we're going to the same room, I get the bathroom first, my small bladder insists.
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u/darthvall Mar 23 '23
Imagine a movie scene where the girl character felt a relieve once the man exit first, that's until she realised the man is heading to her apartment with plan to sneak inside.
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u/Altruistic_Good_9053 Mar 22 '23
She left the elevator on a lower floor, if I lived on the same floor it might be more awkward.
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u/DarkSeneschal Mar 22 '23
Reminds of of this time I was walking behind a woman in a parking lot. She saw me and quickly crossed to the other side of the aisle. Unfortunately, she did that at the same time I was crossing to get to my car. She just about ran back to the other side as I opened my door.
As a fellow large dude, all you can do is laugh it off. Sorry you’re uncomfortable, but I’m literally just existing over here lol.
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u/UpdootDaSnootBoop Mar 22 '23
Yeah, don't take it personally. It's better that she is aware of her surroundings and knows that she's not winning that fight with you
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u/Ngur0032 Mar 22 '23 •
i wouldn’t internalize when women do that as they’re acting from their own experiences and/or traumas
as a woman who’ve dealt with SA in the past, it’s better for me to be cautious & safe, than be polite & sorry.
im not trying to offend anyone but if it’s dark and someone is following me (unintentionally or not), i’m going to do what i need to do to feel safe
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u/Miss-Figgy Mar 22 '23
it’s better for me to be cautious & safe, than be polite & sorry.
Same. Since I was a little girl, I've learned to be safe rather than nice/polite. I've been called names when I've crossed the street... which confirms my intuition that that boy/man was to be avoided.
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u/mathmaticallycorrect Mar 22 '23
Yup! I was once getting off the streetcar near my house, two men got up to one inch behind me, like I could feel them, I got off then waited til right before the doors closed and jumped back on cause they were just waiting right by. They ran over pressed the door open button and mocked me for being scared of them then got off. I never said anything to them, for all they knew I realized it was the wrong stop last minute. Regular people without ill intentions don't do that.
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u/TheDreadWolfe Mar 22 '23
As a larger guy 6'3 and being a dude in general I'm never insulted if a lady crosses the street or gets nervous. I've seen plenty of news articles where guys who seemed nice and seemed polite assualted women. So I have no issue with better safe then sorry
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u/OSUfirebird18 Mar 22 '23 •
I personally actively do things to make sure women don’t think I’m a threat. If I’m walking to same way, I’ll probably really walk super super slow to give myself even more distance so they don’t think I’m following them.
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u/pokemonstadium Mar 22 '23
Once when I was walking home from work pretty late at night a guy running past me yelled "I'm not chasing you, I'm just running!" as he approached, which startled me a lot but was honestly funny and reassuring haha
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u/ACoolCanadianDude Mar 22 '23
That’s what someone chasing someone would say
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u/Boneal171 Mar 22 '23
Lol, that reminds me of a time I was doing DoorDash in an apartment complex and another guy was also delivering to an apartment on the opposite side and he said “I swear I’m not following you!”
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u/Timely_Egg_6827 Mar 22 '23
Had that too. Also had a group of guys carefully stand on the other side of road when they were asking directions at 2am. Appreciated it as was alone - it is nice to know you don't have to worry.
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u/Nellbag403 Mar 22 '23
I’ll give a courtesy shout like “On your right!” as I come up behind, same if I’m on a bike
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u/suprasternaincognito Mar 22 '23 •
I was walking in a pedestrian path under a bridge at dusk. A guy was coming toward me. Just as I started tensing up (I’m female), he very deliberately pulled his hoodie down from his head and took his hands out of his pockets before passing me. I will never forget that and will always be grateful.
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u/midnightauro Forever improbable Mar 22 '23
I feel terrible at the state of the world, like... that either of you had to be that afraid feels frustrating... but that was a remarkably self aware gesture of him. An attempt was actually made and that was nice.
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u/wolf9786 Mar 22 '23
I do this stuff alot. I actually get paranoid thinking that people will think I'm following them. Seen some YouTube videos where people in cars freak out because someone happens to be going the same way as them for a while
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Mar 22 '23
I went to a friend this week that lives like 15-20 minutes away this week and from 30 seconds until the end I literally followed the same car. It felt really weird for me and we weren't even on foot.
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u/Affectionate_Star_43 Mar 22 '23
I did it for an hour once, through all these weird routes and such. Turns out it was someone from my workplace in a different department that lived one town away from me, and we had both found the same shortcuts.
He showed up at my desk like "Stop following me!!! (/s)" And I said "I can't!!!"
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u/Pepsi_E Mar 22 '23
Haha, my brother is the same. About 230lbs and 6'2. He likes going for walks late at night or he'll go out with friends and walk home later after, and he says he sees women all the time crossing the road to avoid walking past him. He doesn't take it personally, he says he's just sad that women live in fear of this.
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u/Majestic_Tie7175 Mar 22 '23
If you see them looking at you, and you want to put someone at ease, it can help to smile but then immediately look at your phone / a book / your keys / something other than her and pretend to be occupied with it while she moves away. Someone who is following her with ill intent isn't going to do that, it signals that you aren't all that interested in where she's going.
And btw, most of us have been followed at least once. Stuff is scary af.
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u/dark_nv Mar 22 '23
I remember one time a woman got in the elevator with me but didn't press any button. When the doors opened on my floor, I got out of the elevator and noticed the woman reaching to press the button immediately as the elevator doors were closing. I guess she didn't want me to know where she lived because of a past experience...?
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u/Rich-Broccoli-6911 Mar 22 '23
Yep, it's the same reason women don't have Ubers, Lift, or taxis drop them at their house.
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u/Grilled_Cheese10 Mar 22 '23
Used to travel and stay alone in hotels often. If they got off on the same floor as I did, I'd just walk right past my room and keep going to another hall or whatever until they were gone. Sorry guys. I know most of you are good guys, I just don't know which ones aren't.
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u/quantumspork Mar 22 '23
I am 6'5", and have seen women obviously terrified of me. In this situation I just own it, and say "I am going to room 1302 (or whatever)". That gives them the option of waiting by the elevator, going in the opposite direction, whatever.
My thought is that if I make my actions predictable, there is less room for misunderstanding and the woman gets some additional time to make her decision.
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u/redheadedwonder3422 Mar 22 '23
interesting. im more worried about an assault in an elevator, not really ever worried about them following me. everyone is different indeed.
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u/Antheen Mar 22 '23
I agree, outside the elevator, you can run and find help, it use other calmer strategies like others have commented. Inside the elevator you're stuck.
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u/sh-ark Mar 22 '23
my grandmother was robbed at knife point by a guy in an elevator who pressed the emergency button to make it stop. So, be afraid of both 👍
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u/flowersinmyteas Mar 22 '23
Your poor grandma. That sounds terrifying.
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u/sh-ark Mar 23 '23
aww thank you. she told me this story circa 2010 and the robbery happened in the early 90s and you could tell it still shook her. glad she’s ok though 🤍 she’s the best
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u/oneofmanyaccounts8 Mar 23 '23
I had an incident back when I was maybe 13 or 14 and we lived in a condo. There was an older man maybe in his 30s possibly 40s who used to always get off on the 11th floor and I lived on the 22nd. He used to always look at me and would stare at me. Very uncomfortable.
Well, one day after school, this dude did NOT get off on his floor and instead decided to get off on my floor. But lucky for me, my mom was going somewhere and was waiting for the elevator, when he saw her and saw me start talking to her immediately upon getting out of the elevator, he decided to take the elevator back down. By the time I got to the 22nd floor, I often don't have many people in the elevator with me and I am often the sole person left. So yeah. Valid concern.
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u/btsunnie13430
Mar 22 '23
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Yes, but don't take it personally.
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u/Slow_Yogurt_5433 Mar 22 '23
Tbh I don’t think I’d feel on edge unless a guy gave me a reason to feel on edge. Prolonged eye contact, staring at my body, trying to ask me questions about myself and where I live without context (I don’t mind speaking with strangers, but I need to know why we’re speaking before I engage), stuff like that. A big guy in an elevator is just that until I have reason to think otherwise.
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Mar 22 '23 edited Mar 22 '23
yea it is definitely not personal, and usually not racial* which I mention because some guys seem sensitive when theyre black and youre white, I feel nervous around all races and sometimes women too. Things like height can contribute to how scared I am though, just the thought of if I could defend myself more easily
(eta: I say *usually bc I am sure some people are racist about it. I think that's foolish, because if anything a more privileged white guy might get away with more but you cant tell anything by race, anyone can be a predator, ((a lot of predators seek out their own race, so being a white woman means youre more likely to be assaulted by a white man)) and I also think more people should be mindful that women can be a danger too, including to men and boys.)
eta 2: as someone pointed out, "usually" was the wrong word to use, I dont know that. "Not always" would be more appropriate.
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u/Taminella_Grinderfal Mar 22 '23
This was a funny incident but many years ago in college two guys from the basketball team got on the elevator with me. One of them loudly whispered to the other “dude be careful, don’t scare the tiny white girl off the elevator” Totally cracked me up.
I was very naive back then and didn’t realize that most women might feel on guard in that situation as well as young black men knowing they might be seen as “dangerous” because of their skin color.
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Mar 22 '23
it makes me sad they have a good reason to feel that way. My cousin is Black and would pick me up from work. One day he texted and said some cops were sitting in the parking lot and he didnt feel safe sitting waiting in the parking lot with them. Felt bad for him
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u/gentlynavigating Mar 22 '23
It can be common. However I would be on high alert with any stranger in a small space. I work as a child and adolescent psychiatrist now, but I did forensic psychiatry for years. It’s not a bad idea to remain aware around strangers.
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u/FaythKnight Mar 22 '23
You kidding? Middle of the night at that size? You will run from from you.
Jokes aside, I'm male. 6'1. Even I feel the pressure with anybody being near me in the middle of the night. Especially someone bigger than me. It just isn't safe in many areas. Can't blame the lady.
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Mar 22 '23
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u/Yeahnoallright Mar 22 '23
It’s sort of reassuring to hear everyone gets a little jumpy sometimes. Though I wish we lived in a world when none of us had to be.
I’m a 5ft4, 110 pound woman and my heart is on my throat if I’m alone in a tube carriage with a man.
May it all get better.
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u/ecstaticptyerdactyl Mar 22 '23 edited Mar 22 '23
In general it doesn’t bother me. But context matters. Like 1am on the elevator at my condo where we’re all neighbors and theres a doorman and security camera? No problem! Elevator in the dimly lit parking garage at 1am after I’m leaving the bar? I’m sure you’re a nice guy, but I’m still going to be a little on guard.
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u/her_ladyships_soap
your local librarian
Mar 22 '23
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I am a woman, and if I were riding an elevator at 1 AM and a 6'4" guy got in with me, yes, I would be on edge.
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u/UncleSnowstorm Mar 22 '23
I'm a 6' man, and if I were riding an elevator at 1 AM and a 6'4" guy got in with me I would also be on edge
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u/TecNoir98 Mar 22 '23
Real af. I'm 6'2" and when people start getting taller than me I start getting weirded out lol
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u/GayCommunistUtopia Mar 22 '23
I know it doesn't help, but we often know we make you uncomfortable and that in turn makes us uncomfortable.
Sorry. I'd be less intimidating if I could.
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u/SnakesInYerPants Mar 22 '23 •
If you want a tip… It genuinely helps if you act like we don’t exist. I know so many guys who are like “but I tried to be friendly to her to show I wasn’t a threat” and what they don’t seem to understand is that the actual threats also almost always start out “trying to be friendly”. If you make eye contact getting on the elevator, give them a quick nod then spend the ride with your eyes basically glued to your phone.
For what it’s worth I know it’s not fair that you have to be on edge about making women scared. But it’s also unfair that women have to live their lives on edge because you can rarely tell it it’s a normal guy or a creep until it’s too late. Life is pretty unfair all around.
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u/pananana1 Mar 22 '23 edited Mar 22 '23
Would you rather the guy leaves the elevator first, or lets you leave first?
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u/TVsFrankismyDad Mar 22 '23
Don't try to be a gentleman by letting us go first - get out first and go about your business.
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u/Phoexes Mar 22 '23
100% the guy leave first. If it’s 1am I’m also not getting off on my floor if he’s still there, I’ll pretend I hit the wrong one and get off later to loop around rather than risk a strange man follow me back late at night and know where I live. I’ve learned the hard way from that mistake before.
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u/VictoryTraining6031 Mar 22 '23
I'd rather he leave first so he isn't following me and I can keep him in my line of sight
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u/her_ladyships_soap your local librarian Mar 22 '23
I appreciate that, but it's not anything you have to apologize for personally -- you didn't do anything wrong by riding the elevator, by being 6'4", etc. The issue is systemic, not individual.
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u/jmckay2508 Mar 22 '23
I was sexually assaulted by a man in an elevator when i was 10-11 years old. Hit the stop button then slammed me into the back wall of the elevator. I am very uncomfortable alone in an elevator with a man who is physically bigger than me.
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u/Altruistic_Good_9053 Mar 22 '23
I'm sorry to hear that, it's very understanding that you feel uncomfortable with a man in an elevator
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u/jmckay2508 Mar 22 '23
Thanks, its just an unconscious thing and I try to keep it under wraps as much as I can I tend to hold my breath which can get uncomfortable if its a long ride *lol*
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u/nonbog Mar 22 '23
I’m so sorry that happened to you. Is it common to have a button that can just stop the lift in the USA? What is the purpose of that? Seems like it can only be dangerous to me
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u/Ambitious-A466 Mar 22 '23
There should be an alarm sounding if the elevator is stopped that way.
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u/Xzenor Mar 22 '23
That would be smart. The emergency stop should be there but as it's for emergencies an alarm would fit perfectly
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u/-PinkPower- Mar 22 '23
Isn’t there one? Here in my part of Canada an alarm starts as soon as you push it
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u/Pasame20 Mar 22 '23
Emergencies I suppose? Pretty sure they’re those ones with the little glass covers or something
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u/jmckay2508 Mar 22 '23
I'm in Canada but yes its always been a thing in our elevators. These days I believe there is an alarm triggered if u stop an elevator
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u/Charlie_Warlie Mar 22 '23
I once rode an elevator with friend who was a girl, late at night, during a traveling field trip I think we were in Toronto. Along the ride 2 large men hopped on. After they left she was like HOLY CRAP CHARLIE IM GLAD YOU WERE HERE.
So I'll say yes
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u/lokiofsaassgaard Mar 23 '23
Brother, one man to another, women are afraid of men. Period.
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u/lCraxisl Mar 22 '23
I’m 6’8” was working in my office on a saturday, I did not realize a girl who is like 4’11” was also working we rounded a corner and she took about 3 steps of a run before realizing it was me and said she was sorry. 🤷🏼♂️ I have no perspective of how she feels so I didn’t really feel like she should say sorry and I told her that, it does however remind me that I am a very tall human.
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u/EmotionalMycologist9 Mar 22 '23
Depends on the context. Was it at your apartment complex? Was it at a hotel? If that was the case, I probably wouldn't be alarmed. Other situations, like an outdoor parking garage, yes. I'd be on edge.
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u/Doesanybodylikestuff Mar 22 '23
At work? No.
At my apartment and I’ve never seen you before? I’m always guarded.
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u/Scruffy725 Mar 22 '23
In a situation like this I usually have a couple things I like to do. I'll face partially toward them so they can see my face and hands but not directly face them. I keep my hands visible but close to my body. Then the big thing I do is lean against the wall and rest my head/close my eyes like I'm resting. With your eyes closed you really can't do anything and from my experience seems the least threatening posture if you have to be in the same room with someone. Unfortunately that person wouldn't see any of that until the door is closed and they have no choice but to ride with you. Definitely better to ask or take the next one.
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u/Altruistic_Good_9053 Mar 22 '23
I think I will adapt that pose
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u/Artist552001 Mar 22 '23
Personally, if it was during daytime hours, I wouldn't really think twice about being in an elevator with a man alone. However, at 1am (or later hours in general), it would put me on edge. Especially as a barely 5'0" woman.
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u/born_to_be_naked Mar 22 '23
I do the exact same thing. I try to imply that I'm too sleepy to bother looking at you, so don't worry.
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u/UsedCicada9696 Mar 22 '23
Women fear men they do not know in general. Never know or are fully aware of their intentions and in an enclosed elevator with just the two of you could be intimidating to her.
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u/colafairy Mar 22 '23
In an enclosed room with a strange man and only one exit, which he's in front of? Yes she was scared.
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Mar 22 '23
edited Mar 22 '23
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Not a Woman, but think about it.
Alone in an enclosed area, that can easily be stopped with a button, where nobody can help you. And with a random person. And most don't have cameras. I think it's perfectly reasonable for a Woman to feel scared. It's just sad we live in a society where they have to feel that way from sexual assault being so prevalent and even brushed off.
Might seem extreme, but at that time of night, I'd probably take the next elevator and try and think of making the Woman more comfortable without me crowding her.
Edit- Probably hyperbole saying "Most" don't have cameras. My point still stands.
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u/VodkaKahluaMilkCream Mar 22 '23
I just explained this to my boyfriend. I walk home from work, usually in the dark and late at night.
I am never scared but I am, however, always alert. Just in case.
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u/lumoslindsay Mar 22 '23
No, I wouldn't be but I can understand others feeling that way.
I might suggest pretending to be on the phone with your mom or something.
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u/phawksmulder Mar 22 '23
I feel like fake phone calls are pretty transparent. As a big dude myself, I'm going to be scared if someone I'm trapped with is having an imaginary cellphone conversation next to me haha
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u/misfitx Mar 23 '23
I've had guys demand I go to their hotel room. I've had hair sniffers. Then there are the guys who stand too close. Basically, we know most men are decent but how are we supposed to know who is safe? The unknown is terrifying.
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u/JohnAdams_NotQuincy Mar 22 '23
There are many reasons for women to be afraid of men in elevators. They’re generally taller and stronger, there are real stories and people with experience of being sexually harassed, and men tend to be more likely to commit a crime than women are.
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u/skankyferret Mar 23 '23
I mean look at the ratio of male violent rapists to female violent rapists. Or murderers. Or stalkers. Or domestic abusers. Or human traffickers. Statistics reinforce the lived experience of men being a threat to women's safety.
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u/Brownhog Mar 22 '23
Absolutely. I'm 6'3 235 lbs and I've found the best way to handle it is to stand looking at the front corner that's not the button corner. Everyone is free to stand behind me and watch me while I can't see them. If it's extra tense I hold my phone a little higher so anyone can see I'm just a dude looking at a social media feed on my way home. It's gonna be awkward, no way around it. And for good reason: people are fucked.
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u/aseriesofcatnoises Mar 22 '23
In college I looked like a dirt bag with long hair, tyedye, and ill fitting jeans. I still remember one afternoon going down to the lobby in the elevator when it stopped on another floor. The door opened and a woman looked at me, then turned around and took the stairs.
Honestly I don't even blame her. I know I'm harmless but she had no way to know.
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u/BattleGoose_1000 Mar 22 '23
Yes. This is a very common thing. If I could, I would always pass on being alone with a dude in a elevator at late hours.
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u/starion832000 Mar 22 '23
As a large man (6'3, 250lbs) also, I have always wondered if some women are secretly clutching a weapon when they are around me. My wife had a knife open and ready in her pocket on our first date.
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u/Lunar_Cats Mar 22 '23
I don't mind sharing the elevator with men. I do feel awkward (regardless of gender) because being in a small space while being silent feels rude. Makes me feel like I need to make small talk for the 30 seconds it takes to get to my floor lol.
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u/daddyneedsraspberry Mar 22 '23 edited Mar 23 '23
I’d bet that most times a woman is alone in an enclosed space (or anywhere without other people around) with an unknown man, she’s going to be nervous.
My partner is 6’9”, the most benevolent, feminist guy I’ve ever met, and he’s always in search of ways to look less intimidating and make sure women aren’t on edge when he’s around. The reality is that there isn’t a way. If you try to strike up conversation, you may be scarier.
I’d say, try your best to look completely disinterested and preoccupied. Look at your phone, move to the other side of the street, maybe wait for the next elevator or take the stairs, etc.
ETA: these replies are so useless. Yes, because he actually listens to the women around him and knows that we have reason to be afraid of men, he’s aware that his presence could be scary for a woman who doesn’t know him. I’m a sexual assault nurse examiner and I have heard hundreds of scenarios in which a person was hurt by a man when other people weren’t around. Doesn’t mean I think all men are dangerous. But I’m not willing to take my chances so I am immediately on defense. And no, it’s not exhausting for him to try making others comfortable. It’s a normal part of being a kind person. And no, he doesn’t think women need protection. He thinks women need one less scary moment in their day to day lives and doesn’t want to be the reason someone feels stressed.
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u/lilybody Mar 22 '23
yes. i am always on my phone in the elevator with my camera very visibly open and sending selfies to my friends
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u/AngryBadgerMel Mar 22 '23
Yes. If you want to help make others comfortable, pull out your phone or bring a book and pretend to be absorbed in it.
As a woman being alone in an elevator with a large guy who I didn't know would definitely have me very cautious. Especially at 1 a.m.
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