So I have no screenshots, just a (long) story from years ago when I was a funeral director running a new funeral home single-handedly.

(This story involves pregnancy loss/infant death, btw.)

My policy has always been to never turn a profit on services for infants and children. My time and facilities and even embalming supplies are free, I only charge my cost for the casket/urn/etc., but if outside vendors have a fee for something there’s nothing I can do about that. I will bust my ass for no pay if it means I can contribute to the healing process on something so tragic.

So I get a call for a stillborn, very premature, I will spare you the details but let’s just say I spent about twelve hours and invented a whole new embalming technique making the baby viewable. I was pretty proud of myself, and it felt really satisfying to give these folks that last view of her. They got about thirty very touching seconds to grieve over the body of their child before the father’s mom starts in on an embarrassing choosing beggar routine.

The grandmother wanted to know why the casket was so plain, and I explained that’s what the parents chose. “We’ll you should have given them a free upgrade, they just lost a baby.”

The dress they brought in was for a three-month-old infant, not a 32-week preterm. So I had to do some alterations to make it work.

“Where are the sparkly ruffles? I chose that dress for the sparkly ruffles!!!” She was shrieking, as though I put the kid in there headless. Sobbing. “I just wanted to see my grand baby in the dress I bought her!”

So after consulting with the parents, who were just like, give her whatever she wants, I took the casket into the back and added the ruffles I’d cut off the dress into this really sweet little nest of tulle and lace I’d brought from home, so she wouldn’t look so small and lonely in a casket far too large for her.

GM sniffed and said she supposed that would do, but what about the flowers? She should have lilies, not these cheap roses!!

I’d come in an hour early to create a casket spray the right size, with roses and ferns and floral foam I bought with my own money because of a complicated issue with my narc boss. It was not expensive, just pink bunch roses, but it was lovely and to scale.

We go to the cemetery. This particular cemetery had a section for infants and they did not charge for the plot, but you’d have to pay their crew to dig the grave and set up the tent and chairs and all that. These kids said they were too broke for that, so I’d been at the cemetery the evening before, digging a tiny grave.

“Where are the chairs? Where is the awning? Is our baby just not important enough to treat her burial with even a little respect?” More shrieking, more sobbing. I just apologized and kept my tone even, doing my best to pacify her until finally it was over and they left. (The parents both hugged me and thanked me and called me an angel and apologized for his mom.)

About a month later, I hear that grandma wrote to our state licensing board to complain about how I’d promised her son a free headstone to make up for all my screw-ups and had never delivered. (Obviously I had said no such thing.) The board is used to dealing with loonies so nothing came of it. But what a way to say thanks for thousands of dollars in donated services!

I sell sewing machines.

We have a customer that is in all the time. Asking all sorts of detailed questions. Then informs me that they’ll be taking that information to buy online for cheaper.

Ok. Not great. But fine.

Today we spent some time finding the right machine for their needs. Talking about what kinds of fabric they sew, what features and benefits they would use.

Then they let me know they’ll think on it.

Later in the day I’m teaching a class and I get a call.

They’re at another store - and they want me to listen to them list machine numbers and choose which machine they should get.

On Call Sexual Assault Advocate-

$50 a day - Contract

Essential Job Duties

On call responsibility to immediately respond to hospital requests for Medical Advocate for sexual assault survivors.

Must respond in person to requests within 30 minutes.

Offer exemplary service and advocacy to sexual assault victims and their caregivers at all times.

Demonstrate professionalism, dependability and responsibility.

Maintain supplies and assigned hospital area dedicated to Medical Advocates.

Represent Metro in a positive manner by adhering to policies and procedures as outlined below.

Benefits:

• Flexible schedule